Raw, Rude and Rockin’ – Your Golden Globes Live Blog

Who doesn’t love award shows?  My personal favorite are the AVN awards, but the Golden Globes will have to do for tonight.

7:03 – All right, so I’m a few minutes late to the awards because of an early dinner that ran late, and I unfortunately saw my favorite actress pull down the night’s first award.  Kate Winslet just won for Best Supporting Actress for her role in The Reader - which is supposed to be a great movie and equally fine book.  I received the book for Christmas, but have yet to read it because I pulled both of my eyeballs out of my head like this guy.

Luckily, my brail copy is one the way.

Winslet looks really nervous at the beginning of her acceptance speech.  It’s rather justified, I would say, considering she’s been nominated for an Oscar five times, and has all of 0 Academy Awards.  I must say that these type of acceptance speeches where the winner is so overbearingly happy have to be excruciating for those whom they’re close to.  Like, Winslet’s husband Sam Mendes looks like he’s just praying that Winslet doesn’t fall apart and start crying in front of 10 million people, or however many people are watching this thing across the world.  Leo DiCaprio – Winslet’s best friend and Revolutionary Road co-star – is the same way.

So congrats to Ms. Winslet, who figures to be the favorite for the Best Supporting Actress Oscar, which she’ll probably get screwed over for on February 19th .  But she has a lot to look forward to over the next month, which will probably be the best of her life (as it will for the other winners tonight).

All right, she just thanked the hair and make-up department, which I guess is legitimate because she looks old as f— in the promos of the movie.

Winslet thanks her husband and kids to close out her speech, which always makes me happy.  Cheers to Kate, and I hope you win Best Actress in a Motion Picture later tonight, although Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep have to be the co-favorites for that particular award.

Interested in how the rest of the award show goes down?  Read on.

7:05 – Best Original Song is the next award, and there are some big names up for the award.  I haven’t heard one of these songs, and I don’t plan on risking federal prosecution for any of them, either.

Jesse "The Devil" Hughes from Eagles of Death Metal

Clint Eastwood composed the song that’s nominated for Gran Torino.  Hey! Miley Cyrus is also nominated for a Golden Globe – maybe she does have staying power.  For her to remain relevant 10 years from now, she should just start snorting meth (like this man to the right) and then start going out with some lesbian.  That seems to be the current blueprint, doesn’t it?

Would there be a bigger upset than Cyrus knocking off Eastwood or Bruce Springsteen?  That’s like Seal marrying Heidi Klum.  It’s uncomprehendingly ridiculous.

Billy Ray Cyrus is in the house.  I think he’s molesting his daughter.  It’s my goal to break that story as an aspiring journalist.

Hey! We have a Mos Def sighting from Beyonce/Adrian Brody’s Once in a Lifetime.

Oh crap, fellow nominees, Bruce Springsteen is nominated for his music in The Wrestler. He’s got it in the bag, I say.  Oh, and he’s there.  That’s a bad sign as well.

And it’s official – Bruce Springsteen wins for The Wrestler.

Springsteen is also going to perform during the Super Bowl, which is on NBC.  I know synergy when I see it, and this isn’t it.  Springsteen’s win is due to middle-age, middle-class journalists’ infatuation with his music.

***********First commercial break**************

Time to brush my teeth after eating that week-old spaghetti.

Johnny Depp’s coming up next, the pleasant sounding announcer says.  I watched a biography documentary special about Depp last night, and it was fairly interesting.  One of his lesser known movies is What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, which was made it 1993.  It features Leonardo DiCaprio in his first prominent role – playing a mentally challenged (Is that what the politically correct term is now?  I don’t know, I’ve been out of high school for a while) kid.

He was actually nominated for an Oscar for his part.  Gilbert Grape also features a 500-pound woman named Darlene Cates.  Here Cates is, acting alongside Depp.

You need to see the movie – specifically the scene where they all ride in the car together – to properly grasp Cates’ girth. the craziest thing about Cates is that she’s still alive, a full 15 years after WEGG.

***********Commercial Break Over**************

7:13 – Rumer Willis is Ms. Golden Globes.  She takes the role from Jack Nicholson’s daughter in 2006 (remember, there weren’t any Golden Globes last year)  Congrats to her and nice job on the role in CSI: New York’s milestone 100th episode.

7:14 – Supporting Actor in a Series, Mini-series or TV Movie – I feel like Jeremy Piven is the favorite here because he wins everything he’s nominated for when playing Ari Gold, but I really want to see Denis Leary win for his role in Recount. I love people who think autism is fake.

There is a huge boom in autism right now because inattentive mothers and competitive dads want an explanation for why their dumb-ass kids can’t compete academically, so they throw money into the happy laps of shrinks.

Nice.

HEY!  Tom Wilkinson wins for his role as Ben Franklin in John Adams.  Congrats to him.  He’s seated a mile away, because he has to weave through 18 tables to get to the podium.

If producers of the show wanted to cut down on the Golden Globes’ air time, they could seat potential winners closer to the stage.  I know, you’re saying that movie actors > TV actors, and TV actors>mini-series actors.  But John Adams is a very well-done mini series that was certain to pull down at least two awards, so why not have some foresight and seat Mr. Wilkinson a little closer?

Wilkinson is about to rip on people, but then says no and adios to end his speech.  Here’s what he looked like as Ben Franklin…

Sexy.

7:17 – Supporting Actress  in a Series, Mini-series or TV Movie is up next – Laura Dern is the pick, I’m saying.  I haven’t seen any of the nominated series, but I remember her from Jurassic Park, where she was quite good.  And she was in The West Wing too.

7:18 – Hey now, Laura Dern wins for Recount. She was Ms. Golden Globes in 1982 the announcer informs us.

I wonder what the ratio of Golden Globes won-to-plastic surgeries among past Ms. Golden Globes is? 1-100?  1-300?

So Rumer has, what is it, 17 years until her Golden Globe win. With a guest spot in CSI:NY under her belt, I’ll go out on a limb and say that she gets her GG chance sooner rather than later.

For an older lady who’s been around Hollywood for, at least, 26 years, Dern is looking pretty good.

She thanks some people – another make-up artist, a Weinstein gets the last name’s first mention and HBO also gets a shout out.

And she also makes the first indirect Obama mention.  If you had Laura Dern in your GG office pool for first Obama reference, then good for you.  You are superior.

**************Second Commercial Break**************************

7:22: NBC gives us a live look-in to what happens during a Golden Globes break.  It’s supposed to be a party, and that’s seemingly what it is.  But if it’s a real party, where are sleaze balls plopping roofies into their date’s drinks?

Have they showed Woody Allen and his daughter, whom he married a few years back, yet?

Tom Cruise just gave some a guy a big hug (I thought physical contact was outlawed by Scientologists), Paul Giamatti (Pig Vomit from Private Parts) is laughing with Ron Howard and Demi Moore is on her cell phone.  Demi Moore looks good.  Real good.

**************Second Commercial Break Over*********************

7:24: Don Cheadle in the house.  Here’s your first Best Picture – Comedy look-in.  It’s for Burn After Reading.

“Raw intelligence!” BAR is probably the best trailer I’ve seen this year, solely because of Brad Pitt waving his arms at the end.

7:26: Eva Mendes comes out next to present, and she looks good.  Her necklace is a really cool shade of green, but her hair looks a bit disheveled.  Her dress has this weird thing in the front too, so if I were close to her, I’d advise Ms. Mendes to avoid E! for the next three weeks when their army of gay dudes criticize her dress.

Mendes is beautiful, though.

7:27: Steven Spielberg is seated alongside Marty Scorsese as the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press makes a speech demanding Spielberg has fun.  He helps the cause by shutting up and getting off of the stage – something more Presidents of the voting organizations in award shows need to do.

7:27: Actor – TV Series Drama is the next award.  Michael C. Hall from Dexter is nominated alongside Jon Hamm from Mad Men (I believe he won last year), Hugh Laurie from House and two other guys I’ve never heard much about.

I had Hall, but Gabriel Byrne pulls it down for In Treatment.  He’s not there, though so that’s cool.  “F— award shows” is my motto.  Except for the AVN awards, which embraces the physical act of sex.  And then filming it too.

7:28 – The new Dr. Spock and Cpt. Kirk come out to present the Best Actress in a Drama.  Zachary Quinto is one of the presenters.  Can you say synergy for NBC and Heroes? It’s the second Heroes actor to present in as many awards – with Hayden Panettiere presenting the last award.  Panettiere is an interesting actress because she’s got that innocent thing going for her, but as time progresses, there will be a point when she loses this quality.

It will be at that point when she gets implants.

I’ve got Anna Paquin for BAiaD, solely based on the audience reaction.

And she wins!  It seems that the audience has a pretty good barometer regarding who’s going to win awards.

I had no idea, but Anna Paquin won an Oscar for The Piano.  I guess I would have to know what The Piano is to know that she won an Oscar for it, but, hey, congrats to Ms. Paquin.  But she has a gap between her two front teeth, so that sucks.

******************Third Commercial Break***************

Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson are in a new romantic comedy.  I’m no expert in movies, but a romantic comedy between two 60+ year olds will be gold at the box office.  It’s a storyline that had that particular market immediately cornered once it was simply made.  Because who wants to see two old people have sex, or even think about it, really?

There’s a reason why GILF porn hasn’t taken off.

*****************Third Commercial Break Over*********************

7:36 – Ricky Gervais will present the next award.  He’s got a pint of beer in his hand, which is pretty cool.  If I could walk around with a glass in my hand, I definitely would.

Gervais says that he told Kate Winslet to make a Holocaust flick to get an Oscar, and it seems like he just realized that fact, which is kind of cool.  Of course, he did so in Extras, where Winslet makes fun of herself by playing a nun solely to win an Oscar.  I’d strongly advise you to see the show, which is really funny.

“Trouble with Holocaust movie is that there isn’t any gag real on the DVDs,” Gervais says. Well played, sir.

Gervais then talks talks about having sex with the Hollywood Foreign Press and the women and their itchy beards up against his face.

For those of you who don’t get it, he’s talking about their hairy vaginas.

Happy-Go-Lucky is the next film that we see a clip from, and I, and many others I would imagine, have never heard of this movie.

7:38: The Jonas Brothers are presenting the Best Animated Film.  Wall-E is going to win – that’s not even up for debate.

F— the Jonas Brothers.  That’s all I have to say about those promise-to-God rings, which are a load of crap.  Do they not speed? Do they not make fun of their younger brother? Do they not have impure thoughts?  Do they not masturbate?

I mean, girls their age have to flash them on a daily basis, right? Some have to be attractive, and they’re young, so their minds are undoubtedly active.

There’s no way these kids are perfect.  I will try my hardest at cracking their imperfection.

7:41 – Johnny Depp in the house.  No tie, which is cool. I wouldn’t wear a tie either if I were nominated. Best Actress in a Motion Picture Musical or Comedy is what Johnny will be handing out.

Meryl Streep is nominated for Mamma Mia, and that’s got to be the pick, doesn’t it.  Two women aren’t even there, which is kind of embarresing for the Golden Globes.

Sally Hawkins wins for Happy-Go-Lucky. I think Johnny Depp is there because he won for the Best Actor in a Motion Picture Musical or Comedy last year for Sweeney Todd, but I’m not completely sure.  And because this live blog is certainly getting a little tiresome on your eyes, let’s add a video as we gear up for Hawkins’ acceptance speech.

Sing along with me, will you?  MY Friends!  My faithful friends!

I love Sweeney Todd so much.  I could watch it night.

Back to the GG.  Hawkins is crying now.  Her speech is getting a little long in the tooth, and I wouldn’t be surprised to hear the music played on her.

Where is it?  Where is it?

Pillar of strength, yeah yeah, leave with your dignity woman!  You won a Golden Globe! You’re this year’s best actress in musical or comedy!  This is the apex of your career!

“Mirimax, thank you.  Of course, my parents.”

Come on, pretty lady.

All right, no music.  I’m pretty pleased with that.  Good choice, GG.  Nothing’s more embarressing than being the night’s first person to be played off the stage.

*****************4th Commercial Break******************

Heroes returns the Monday after the Super Bowl.  I’m done with Heroes, so I don’t care.  But thousands of Japanese kids do, so that’s cool.

Hey Hayden, you a naughty girl.

**************4th Commercial Break Over*****************

7:50: Jake Gyllenhaal comes out to intro the Curious Case of Benjamin Button Best Picture video.  I don’t think it will win, but it’s supposed to be a relatively cool movie.  I say relatively because it hasn’t received the out-and-out fantastic reviews I thought it would with the players involved and the storyline.

7:52: Drew Barrymore’s teeth look yellow as corn on the cob.  You’ve got to put those Marlboro’s down, lady.  And Barrymore looks borderline wasted, as she fondles her co-presenter, whose name I didn’t catch.

Best miniseries or motion picture made for television – Puffy in the house.  This category should be dissipated solely because of Sean Combs’ presence in it.

Who do I have in this category – let’s see?  John Adams is the pick because I really like the history of the Revolutionary War.

It’s got to be weird for the English people in the audience with John Adams winning the war that stole the most profitable country in the world away from the mother land.  Well, most profitable for the last 60+ years.

John Adams takes the award, and here comes Tom Hanks to accept.  He’s always pretty loose during these shows.  He must have the: “I won back-to-back Oscars, what have you done lately?” kind of a—hole attitude.

“Gary came, and everyone’s excited,” Hanks says.  He calls it Gary too?

7:56 – Demi Moore comes out after Hanks and Gary depart to present the next award.  She has two movies coming out, and then she tells her daughter to not hunch, which she’s doing pretty profoundly, by the way. Come on Rumer, what is your problem?

How is it that possible that Moore looks so much better than her daughter, yet she’s much, much older.

Plastic surgery?  I don’t know if she did or didn’t because  I can’t really tell – unlike Mickey Rourke.  But I truly hope that Moore is plastic surgery free. That would be quite possibly the greatest thing in the world.

Tom Cruise got nominated for Tropic Thunder? I haven’t even seen the rest of the nominees, but Cruise is the man and I want him to win.  I like his teeth.  But Philip Seymour Hoffman, who’s not there, is going to win.

Oh shit, Heath Ledger’s nominated.  I was too caught up in Moore’s body to realize that this was the overall Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture Category.

Of course, Ledger wins.  And now we get to see The Joker again.  I love it.

I’ll allow you the same joy.

“You complete me,” he says to the Dark Knight to end the clip.  It’s funny because Tom Cruise was in Jerry McGuire, where the line was originally uttered by Renee Zellweger, and Ledger just spanked Cruise in the Best Supporting Actor category.

Christopher Nolan is a rather articulate dude, and says some very nice things about Ledger and his performance in The Dark Knight. I think if I had to pick any director to direct my movie, I’d role with Nolan right now. Scorsese would have to be in the running too, since he’s never made a bad movie, but Nolan only seems to pick classic-in-the-making films.

All together, though, Ledger’s win was a very nice moment, and it doesn’t seem like there’s anyone who can dream of challenging him for the Best Supporting Actor Oscar.  So that makes me happy – especially because it’s typically the second award of the night – and I won’t have to sit through all the stupid costume design awards.

********************Commercial Break #5**********************

8:04: Tom Brokaw comes out to intro the Frost/Nixon film, which is supposed to be fantastic.  I personally can’t wait to see it because it’s one of those things that I have no idea about in America’s history. And that, alone, fascinates me.

So we see a little bit about the Frost-Nixon interview, and then we see the next star come out to present.

8:05: Colin Farrell struts out, and he’s about to present the Best Foreign Language Film.  All I can think about when he’s talking is that Irish people talk funny. I haven’t heard of one of these films, but I’ve got Gomorra because I like Italy and I love crime.

The word Gomorra sounds like an STD, too. And since I have an unabashed love for Sexually Transmitted Diseases, I’ll roll with it to win.

And the winner is Waltz With Bashir.

Frankly, who cares? Farrell drops a subtle “It’s not what it used to be” reference when he starts sniffling into the microphone.  That’s an obvious reference to his past cocaine use, and Ferrell is now my favorite actor for admitting that on television.

Quick cut to Cameron Diaz in the crowd.  She looks horrid, and it’s obvious that she peaked 10 years ago when she was in There’s Something About Mary.

See what I mean?

8:08: Maggie Gyllenhaal presents alongside Aaron Eckhart for Best Actress in a Mini-Series or TV Movie, which includes An American Crime, which I’ve actually seen.

I’ve got Catherine Keener, who you might remember from 40 Year Old Virgin. She stars as a woman in Indiana who tortures Ellen Page pre-Juno in An American Crime. Susan Surandon is nominated, and Judi Dench isn’t there, so there are definitely some heavy hitters in this category.

Laura Linney in John Adams wins for her role as Abigail Adams.  I don’t know how old she is, but she admits that she has a few decades in this business.  Linney looks really good.  And it’s not just because it’s an award show and she has 1,000s of people working on her. She’s legitimately pretty.

She thanks Paul Giammati in her speech, and he has a big double-chin.  Giammati has Hollywood’s double-chin market cornered.

********************Commercial Break #6**************************

This new Clive Owen movie – The International – looks good.  As does Daniel Craig’s new film – Craig is a total badass.

Shouldn’t it be a rule that if you’re a guy, and you have B-Cup jugs, that the network that airs them uncovered receives an FCC fine?  Because they’re the same thing – some women get off on b-cup man boobs. I don’t personally know of any, but I don’t have b-cups either.  I bet that’s a kinky thing – like Marisa Tomei liking short, stocky bald men in Seinfeld.

See what I mean?

Let’s break this down, though. What’s different between a guy’s b-cup and a woman’s? Nothing, they’re the same size. Naked breasts should be universally banned from television.  Or not banned.  That would be fine too.

8:16 – Gerard Butler comes out to show off the In Bruges video for Best Motion Picture – Comedy or Musical.

I really want to see this, but I don’t understand how it’s a comedy. It’s probably one of those movies that’s really good, but then they’re puzzled about where to put it. And since there’s not enough good comedies and musicals this year – though Role Models should have been chosen – they stick In Bruges in the comedy section because it has a few funny lines.

8:17 – Zack and Miri – aka Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks – in the house!  Rogen drops an “I want to do cocaine with Mickey Rourke” joke, and it’s pretty damn funny. It’s funny because Rourke is certifiably crazy, and also because he’s in the room. It’s not just saying f— Jeff Goldblum, as is the case in Pineapple Express, but saying f— Mickey Rourke to his face.

Best Screenplay is the award the two are presenting, and I’ve got Slumdog Millionaire because it seems to be particularly popular among the Hollywood Foreign Press.

Yep, Slumdog Millionaire wins.

Simon Beaufoy takes the award, and I personally think that the writers should get more credit in any movie’s greatness, because it’s their ideas that make great movies.  Maybe it’s because I’m kind of a writer too.  I don’t know.

8:20: Amy Poehler’s in the house, and she’s alongside Patrick Dempsey.  She’s in the new Office-style series that could either be brilliant without the tired character that is Michael Scott, or terrible because it’s too similar to the original. I’m puzzled, but I think that the creators of The Office, who are working on the show, are legitimately funny in any situation. So if you take them out of The Office, they’re going to come up with funny original ideas.

Best Actor in a Comedy Series is the Poehler-Dempsey next award.

Kevin Connolly is nominated for Entourage? I don’t buy it – he’s not that good on that show. He’s OK at times, but Johnny Drama and Ari Gold are the two characters that make Entourage memorable. Vincent Chase at times too, but Adrian Grenier is too laid back to make a serious run at any type of award.

I’ve got Alec Baldwin in this award because he seems to win whatever he’s in.

Yep.  Baldwin wins everything for 30 Rock because he’s great in the show and because he has one of the greatest writers behind him. He knows it, too, thanking Tina Fey three times.

Baldwin thanks his daughter, whom he yelled at profusely a couple years back. If you don’t remember, here’s the tape…

Too bad Kim Basinger can’t get a shout out from her ex-husband.

*******************Commercial Break #7************************

Kate Walsh is in a Cadillac commercial talking about relationships burning.  Which, by itself, isn’t that funny.  But if you’re like me, and know she recently filed for divorce from her husband of nine months, you appreciate the irony that Walsh – and most celebrities for that matter – will say anything for money (or a new Cadillac).

You know what looks great?  Big Love. It’s one of those shows that I know nothing about, but simply have a feeling that I’d love it if I say down and watched it.

***********Commercial Break Over*************

8:26 – Renee Zellweger in the house, and she looks like absolute garbage.  What’s wrong with her face?  It doesn’t move at all, and it looks like she can’t see out of her eyes.

She’s introducing The Reader for the Best Picture – Drama category, which was produced by Syndey Pollack, who died quite a while ago – seven months to be specific.  It seems like longer, though.  Like years ago.

Kate Winslet’s naked with a young boy in the film. It seems that she’s naked quite often – in just about every serious film she’s nominated for an Oscar in (The Reader, Titanic, Little Children, etc.). Maybe that’s the key – expose your high-quality breasts, and receive an award nomination.

8:28 – Megan Fox is out to present the next award and she’s with Terrence Howard. She too looks awfully good. Her eyes, if you haven’t seen them, seem like they peer into your soul when viewing her picture. It’s rather scary.

See what I mean?

Actor in Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for TV Movie is the award Howard and Fox are presenting, and there are some heavy hitters up for it. Paul Giammati is the choice because John Adams is on fire tonight.

Giammati takes it home. He blames Tom Wilkinson for getting him smoking again, which is kind of funny, I suppose.  It would be funnier if Giammati says that Wilkinson got him snorting coke again.

They shot John Adams in Hungary apparently, since Giammati thanks the crew in both Virginia and Hungary?  That’s cool, I guess, even though John Adams is a vital part of American history.  But hey, you’ve got to stay out of the red, I suppose.

8:32 -Glenn Close and Laurence Fishburne come out to present the award.  Close’s show Damages is struggling in the ratings pretty seriously, but I really don’t understand how much an appearance from Close on an award show helps ratings. I think it’s one of those things that excites people who are fans of the show already, and those who aren’t just ignore her.

Oh, and the big news in TV this week is going to be Laurence Fishburne permanently taking over the CSI for William Peterson’s Gil Grissom. I haven’t seen the show since its second season, but I’m seriously considering tuning in this Thursday, even though The Office and 30 Rock are on at the same time.  I want to see TV history.

Nominees for Best TV Show Mini-series or Comedy.  I saw the episode that was seemingly nominated for 30 Rock – if that’s how they vote – and it was really funny. It was the episode where Liz meets Oprah on the plane, but Liz is actually really high off of pills Baldwin gave her to cope with flying sickness, and it turns out to be a tween black girl and not Oprah. So that storyline is hilarious, and then, back in New York, Jenna and Tracy argue over who has it worse in America – black men or white woman – and they can’t decide, so they decide to switch roles.

It’s probably the most original idea I’ve seen in sometime on television, and I think that the script was very well written, so 30 Rock is the clear favorite.

Saw the Entourage episode nominated too.  The Office, too. Hey, Weeds too.  I need to get back on that Weeds horse, even though I’ve heard nothing good about Season 4.

30 Rock wins, and Tina Fey’s dress shows off an awful lot of her side-boobs. Which isn’t that bad, but for a conservative mom like Fey, it strikes me as a bit surprising.

Tracy Morgan gives the acceptance, and he’s pretty funny.  He thanks the lady over at Kraft Services for making the tacos that he so obviously loves, considering his significant weight gain since the show first started.  And then he gives a shout out to Lorney Mikes, who most know as Lorne Michaels – the famed executive producer of SNL and 30 Rock. He gives the speech because Obama beat Clinton in the election, and Fey had Clinton.

******************Commercial Break #9?**************************

8:42 – SPOILER ALERT!!! Pierce Brosnan ends up with Meryl Streep at the end Mamma Mia! I’m pissed.  I was going to see it, and now there’s no point.

8:42 – Sean Combs.  Who’s that, you ask?

Well, he is also known as Puff, Puffy, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy and Diddy.

Kate Beckinsale is presenting alongside Combs, and she looks great. For my money, she is the prettiest actress in the industry. And talented too - she was great as Ava Gardner in The Aviator.

The Best Soundtrack is the award Combs and Beckinsale are giving out, and I’ve got Defiance. I’ve based the pick solely on the fact that James Newton Howard is my boy for his work in Blood Diamond, and I really want to listen to that soundtrack right now.

AR Rahman from Slumdog Millionaire takes it home.

They’re playing a sample of his soundtrack, and it sounds like T-Pain singing.  I wonder if they’re sick of the auto-tune over there too.

India REPRESENT!!!

8:45 – Is David Duchovny still with wife?  That’s what he said, so I’ll have to seriously look into that. Of course, he was suffering from a sex addiction, which likely isn’t helped by his very sexual role in Californication. So maybe they reconciled, which would be nice.

The next award is for Best Actress in a Comedy.  Tina Fey’s got to be the choice, right, considering that she seems to win every Best Actress award out there?  I want Mary Louise Parker to win though, because I have a thing for her.

GG goes to Tina Fey from 30 Rock.

They have this muscular black guy decked out in a tuxedo walking the women up. It’s not doing anything to denounce that happy servant stereotypes that have plagued black men for so long in America.

Will Arnett is apparently giving Tina Fey jokes, Fey admits in her acceptance speech, which I think is pretty damn cool.   It seems like Poehler, Arnett, Fey and her husband all hang out together, which I’d guess isn’t all that funny.  They all probably want to turn it off when they’re out of the public eye.

Fey talks about the Internet and people who don’t like her and then tells them to suck it. Then she gives a shout out to her husband Jeff, who’s featured in a great Vanity Fair piece written by Maureen Dowd.

Fey then walks off the stage, and nerds rejoice.

I’m running out of gas, so I need some Ice Cream.  I’ll go at the next commercial break.

******************Commercial Break 10**********************

8:53 – Marty Scorcese comes out to present his fellow legendary director Steven Spielberg with the lifetime achievement-type of award.  This is usually the boring part of the award show.

Cecil B Demille Award is what it’s called, and Spielberg tells an interesting, and elaborate story about how Demille inspired him to make his first movie, which is really cool.

You know, I love Spielberg as much as anyone (not really), but I really dislike the whole lifetime achievement award thing at award shows. Especially for shows like the Emmys and Grammys, where it honors people who haven’t been relevant for 30-50 years. Spielberg’s work is outstanding though – and that’s never more clear than during the video piece the producers have put together.

Schindler’s List is an amazing movie.  Hell, pretty much all his movies are exceptional.

But the thing that people don’t really know is that Spielberg is the head of Dreamworks, which pumps out a ton of quality movies every year. So for all the work he does, personally, his company outworks him, like, 15-1 in churning out film.

The one movie of his that I haven’t seen of his that people rave about is Jaws. Dum-dum, Dum-dum, Dum-dum.  AHHHH!

Oprah sighting in The Color Purple. She plays an old lady as time progresses, too, which is kind of funny.

Something I need to research is what came first: Oprah’s acting career or talk show? I’d go with talk show, but I’m not entirely sure.

I think Jurassic Park is one of those movies that you can see 1000 times, and it never gets old.  Especially when the T-Rex is f—ing people up, and then it almost kills the kids and Jeff Goldblum.  Oh, and when it eats that guy off the toilet.  Don’t get me started on that and how terrifying it was to see it when I was, like, seven, and still really into dinosaurs.

Oh, and with the video montage playing, I have to say that probably the most devastating use of color in film is the little girl in Schindler’s List with the little girl in the red coat. It’s the color throughout the film, besides black, white and gray and it’s very effective.

I think I’m going to watch Saving Private Ryan tonight too, if I have enough energy.

Crap, I forgot Spielberg made Catch Me If You Can too. I love that movie.

Munich, too.  Eric Bana kicks serious ass in that film.

Ben Stone: If any of us get laid tonight, it’s because of Eric Bana in “Munich.”

Band of Brothers and early ER too?  Holy crap.

Spielberg’s producing credits are almost as impressive as his directing credits.  Look at this list…

IMDB

Wow.  Congrats to Steven Spielberg for making the movie industry a completely different, and better place.

Spielberg simply knocks his speech out of the park.  He talks about directors influencing and mentoring other directors along too.  And then he talks about the need for movies with specific audiences and his age too.

I agree with the specific audiences opinion. Well done sir.

I’m getting some Ice Cream now.

HOVA in the house!

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9:12 – Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffman out to present the Best Director.  And then we get somebody who comes out and curses, I believe.

Slumdog Millionaire is the pick here, I believe.  I hope Sam Mendes wins for Revolutionary Road, though.

Danny Boyle wins for Slumdog Millionaire. His hair looks like he just woke up from a 4-day cocaine binge.  And he’s sweating like Michael Jordan in the fourth.

All right, so I now officially really want to see this movie. But it sucks because it’s playing in any theaters close to my house. So what’s a guy to do, except to steal it?

9:15 – Hmm.  The sweat sounds of Sigourney Weaver.  Planet Earth.  Yes, ma’am.  You could talk dirty to me about trout any day of the week.

Weaver intros the video from Revolutionary Road, which I also really want to see.

9:16 – Hey! A Sandra Bullock sighting. Where’s she been over the last three years? Speed 4?  Bullock’s presenting the Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical.  Javier Bardem is nominated, but no where to be found.  I guess Chigurh is too tough of an act to follow. I’m pretty sure he thinks he won’t win, either, but he could have a chance because the names in this category aren’t really standing out.

James Franco is also nominated – but he’s also not in the house..  He’s got class tomorrow though, so I say that he’s excused.

Colin Farrell wins Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical.  Hoffman was my pick, but no dice.  Farrell looks really happy to have won the award, so that’s good for him. It’s nice when someone wins an award and it makes their year.

Shit, I think he’s crying.  Who said that a run of films that includes all the garbage he’s made, ruins an actor’s career.

He’s got a kind of a unibrow thing going, which is OK by me. If you’re going for that look in front of the whole world, then cheers to you my friend.

Farrell’s speech is getting a bit long in the tooth, and he talks about that hour spent together or something of that manor. I have no idea what this means, but that was fairly interesting. And I still love him for admitting his cocaine use on national TV – with the whole entertainment world watching – so good job Colin.

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9:25 – Holy cow, Salma Hayek.  Your jugs are huge.  And they look real too, because they’re bouncing all over the stage. I don’t know if they actually are real, but Hayek looks amazing for someone who’s approaching 40.

She’s introducing Vicky Christina Barcelona for the Best Picture Comedy or Musical category. I never thought this film was supposed to be that good until I saw it was nominated for this category.

9:27 – I thought I saw Sacha Baron Cohen earlier, and now he comes out to give out the next award.  It’s Bruno himself.

He hits the trifecta of economic downturn jokes. He talks about Charlie Sheen being unable to pay for sex anymore, Victoria Beckham hasn’t eaten in three months and Madonna being forced to get rid of one of her personal assistants – Guy Ritchie.

And that gets a pretty big reaction, like “Ohhhh, how could you say that.”  Ritchie seems to have more friends in the audience than we originally thought.

Best Motion Picture Musical or Comedy – VCB is the pick for me, but I really have no idea who will win this award.

And Vicky Christina Barcelona won too.  Wow. I really need to see this movie as soon as possible.

But where is Woody Allen?

Harvey Weinstein and the Weinstein company gets a big round of applause after the producers shout out distribution company and their fellow producers, the cast and the city of Barcelona – which was great.  That type of thing.  They basically thank everyone who was involved, and then Woody Allen at the end.

Frankly, I’m losing steam.  I was pumped at the beginning, but now the award show is getting a little old. We need more of Sacha Baron Cohen’s jokes.  Maybe we’ll get an appearance from Bruno.

9:30 – You know what? I have only seen one shot of Angelina Jolie tonight.  There’s been a lot of Brad Pitt, but hardly any of Angelina.  Weird, isn’t it. Are her tattoos too risky for network TV?

***************Commercial Break 14*****************

You know what else is weird?  The Jonas Brothers are posing with a bunch of 50-year-olds, who look way more excited to take pictures than the three brothers.  It’s one of those things where parents take pictures with young celebrities to impress their kids or nieces/nephews. The Jonas Brothers have probably gotten these types of requests the entire night, and I kind of feel bad for them.

But not really, though.

9:34 – Local Chicago news!  A 4-year-old boy was killed when he was mauled by the family pet.  Oh, and temperatures are going to dip below 0 soon (tomorrow night, I’m guessing)

****************End of Commercial Break 14**************

9:35 – King of Bollywood from India has a studded necktie on under his shirt.  He’s presenting with one of the actresses from Slumdog Millionaire too. They present the film, which has to be the favorite for Best Picture at this point.

Hey, Cameron Diaz is going to be in My Sister’s Keeper? How far has her star fallen since being in Gangs of New York? Mark Wahlberg is kind of a douche, too. Their intro is really stupid, and I hope that Andy Samberg does his Wahlberg more often on Saturday Night Live.

9:37 – Lead Actress in a Motion Picture is up – I’ve got Anne Hathaway, who seems to be winning everything of late, but I hope Ms. Winslet wins.

Goes to: Kate Winslet.  Whoa.  Upset, especially with Meryl Streep nominated.

9:38 – I am happy.  Very happy for Kate Winslet because I think she’s simply the best actress around. And I love English girls and their accents.  And actresses who aren’t afraid to get naked with underage boys.

The best thing about the award is that her husband – Sam Mendes – was the director of the film.  He basically has a significant hand in her win too, so it’s something that they can share for the rest of their time together.  Mendes is significantly older than Winslet, though.  I’d say probably 10 years, give or take one or two.

She’s talking to herself out load now, and I’m hoping she pulls herself together before everyone in Hollywood loses some of the respect they have for her. That probably won’t happen, but you get the point – get off the stage while still looking good in the eyes of the people watching you.

Again, Winslet makes some weird thank yous. She gives a shout out to her dialect coach and hair and makeup departments

She’s thanking Leo DiCaprio and Sam Mendes – who she’s said are her best friend and husband, respectively.

Come on Kate, wrap it up.  She does.  Congrats.

Now we’ve got Blake Lively presenting the next award for Best Television Series Drama.  She has some pretty big boobs, too.

“Hello, we’re TV actors,” Rainn Wilson says to a big laugh.

Best television series drama – they change things on them and make Wilson and Lively introduce the award simply by saying the names and not with the package the GG have put together.  Mad Men wins, as was expected, I’d say.  The amazing thing is that there weren’t hardly any non-cable TV shows up for nomination.  Which says a lot, I’d say.

I haven’t even seen the show, but it’s obvious that Don Draper is a bad mf just by looking at him. He looks like he would disappoint his wife immensely – which I’ve heard he consistently does

The girl with the red hair with huge breasts from Mad Men is amazing.  She needs to be wearing something other than black though, it doesn’t accentuate her best feature – her full figure.

And how the hell did HBO and Showtime let this show slip to AMC?  It’s something that the executive in charge of new programming should be shot for.  Everything that I’ve heard is that it’s on par with The Sopranos.

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Here’s a treat for those of you who stuck around to the very end: Michael Scott is the one who tells Andy about Dwight and Angela on The Office. And that should pave the way for one of the series’ best episodes.  Actually, crap, I forgot that The Office Super Bowl episode is on Feb. 1.  That’s three weeks away.

Nominees for Best actor in a motion picture or drama – the winner will likely be Sean Penn, but I want Leonardo DiCaprio.

Ok. Mickey Rourke pulls down the award for The Wrestler. His face looks ravaged.

What a comeback by Rourke.  He then goes around and thanks the other actors he was nominated with, which is a classy move. One that undoubtedly drives the producers of the GG crazy because of the time it takes.

He looks kind of wasted.  He just tripped on the stairs, and then over-corrects himself.

He thanks David Unger “for having the balls” to represent me.

The Wrestler is also another film I desperately want to see.

Hey O!  Just saw Darren Aronofsky flip off the camera.

Is that an FCC fine?  I’d say yes, but I also think man boobs should be censored, so what do I know about the FCC?

Pic via Askmen.com

Evan Rachel Wood and Marisa Tomei are standing and clapping for Rourke, and I’m not sure which actress looks better in this shot. Wood is quite young, but Tomei looks fantastic. You be the judge…

Axl Rose gave Sweet Child of Mine to The Wrestler for free, apparently. I didn’t know that. Springsteen gave The Wrestler a song for free too, which is quite cool.

“I’d like to thank all of my dogs,” Rourke says.

The first one to get played off the stage is Mickey Rourke – which is too bad – but when you thank some dogs, then that’s a problem.

You know, we haven’t seen Eva Longoria in a Loreal commercial tonight, so we had to get from Mickey to Eva.

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9:57 – Tom Cruise is closing out the show.  For Best Picture, it’s got to be Slumdog Millionaire.

And the GG goes to – Slumdog Millionaire

Wow. If it’s not clear who the Oscar favorite for Best Picture is, we’re seeing it now.  There might be some votes garnered from the foreign press for Indian influence, but everything that I’ve read and heard says that SM is the film to beat as we movie forward towards the Oscars on 2/19.

The producer drops some big news on us – the film opens in India next Thursday.  There’s going to be some serious riots there – or serious partying. Either way, don’t expect to troubleshoot your computer the following Friday.

The producer on Slumdog Millionaire definitely just swore, and this time NBC caught it, unlike the bird from earlier.

Tom Cruise says goodnight, and that’s all folks.

If you’ve made it this far, then congrats to you.  At the end of the night, this should be 4500-5000 words, which is something else.  (Update: It’s a staggering 7,586, which is amazing)

Thanks to you and sorry for the swearing and the fact that I ran out of gas after about an hour and a half. There’s only so much a man can do in that time.

Hope to see you soon on the site.

Did you have a personal favorite moment?  Do you, like me, feel that the Golden Globes are the most exciting award show because it mixes TV and movie actors – and then there’s this feeling of superiority among the movie actors?

Or is it because there’s booze involved?